How to Marry Well

This deviates from my theme of "Saving Money. Making Stuff." But I thought it was worth sharing.

When I was twenty-four and I had dated a few guys that were not right for me to marry, I decided that I wanted to get married, and I was serious about it. I was two years out of college, and while I wasn't yet "past my prime", I had several friends that were already married and I felt that I should be deliberate about getting married.

My dating experience showed me what I did and did not want in a husband. And I did not want to waste time in dating any more of the wrong guys. So to aid me in my decision of who to date, I made a list of what I was looking for in a husband. My list had two sides. One side was for things that I could not compromise about. Things like: being a dedicated Christian, being responsible and a hard worker, being good with money. The other side of the list was for things that would be a plus, such as being handsome, enjoying singing, being taller than me. I wish I kept that list so I could tell you everything on there. There were probably twenty or thirty items on my list.

When I looked at my list, I saw a wonderful man who would probably not want to date me. 

I resolved to become better. Among other things, I decided to spend more time in prayer and bible reading. I chose not to complain about things. I did my best to become the perfect woman for the perfect man of my list. I prayed over my list every day.

It wasn't too long before I visited a new church. I hadn't met any men at the old church. Unless you count the man who gave me a candle that smelled so powerful that I had to put it in the hallway outside of my office and I had to stop somewhere on the way home in order to throw it away. He meant well. But he wasn't the man for me.

When I went to the new church, I had two guys asking me out at the same time. This had obviously never happened before, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. One of these guys took me on a date and walked around his car to unlock my door, but he did not actually open it for me. I think that maybe he wanted to open the door, but he had offended a certain kind of woman by opening doors for them. It was a small thing, but he didn't do what he thought was right because he thought he might offend me. Would that spill over into more important areas? The bigger reason that I did not continue to go out with him was that he didn't pray at dinner unless I suggested it. If I hadn't resolved not to date men without the necessary qualifications, would I have continued to date him? Well. Probably not. Because the other man taking me out was (cue angel choir) David. 

At first I thought maybe he was cheap, because he took me to Hardee's on the way to the circus, and he wanted to share fries. But I realized he was just careful with his money, with the added bonus of not being gluttonous about his french fries. And that was exactly what I wanted in a man, but I guess I had this idea that men should be a little more free-spending when taking me out on dates. Ladies who hope for a man who knows how to manage his money, let us all appreciate it when he does not spend too much, even on dates. Men who know how to be frugal, tell your date how managing money is important to you and having a savings account and no credit card debt is important to you. Tell her that you want to spend time with her without spending more than is in your budget. Then ask her if she would like to share fries with you, and she will not worry that you are just being "cheap". 

As I got to know David, it turned out that he was everything on my list. Both sides of my list. Thank You, Jesus. However. I should have written "sings well" instead of "enjoys singing". Those are two very different things.

This was only seven years ago, but we look so much younger.

In conclusion:

Don't date someone who doesn't meet your "must have" requirements.
It is better to be alone than to be married to the wrong person.

If you're not the right person, make improvements.
Be yourself, and do what you believe to be right, instead of what you think someone else thinks is right.

What do you think? Is this helpful at all to people who aren't married?

What are the spouse requirements that you won't/didn't compromise about?

What Women Want, and How to Plan for it.

In today's world, women can be anything they want to be.

I'm glad that we have so many choices. When we are graduating high school and going into college, the possibilities are endless. Should we be doctors or lawyers or the president of the United States? Whatever we decide, we'll be sure to follow our dreams. 

But when we get to be about twenty-five, many of us start to realize that our dreams might be different. Maybe what we want is really to get married, have babies, and stay home to take care of them. But by the time we turn twenty five, many of us have finished our bachelor's degrees and maybe our master's degrees, but we are no where near finished paying for them. At this point, we don't have many options. We have to keep working until we pay off our student loans. Hopefully we took out those student loans in order to obtain a high paying job, and we are not, say, private school music teachers who take home $1,400 a month. But that is another post altogether. One I hope to get to soon.

Why didn't we realize that we would want to stay home with our kids? I think it's because our culture is so concerned about women's rights and equal pay and respect and all that, that there are not many voices telling us that it is a good thing to stay home. A better thing. Therefore, it is something that many of us don't think about and plan for until it's too late. And it is something that must be planned for.

Here are some ways to plan ahead:

1. Are you about to start college? Do everything you can to avoid loans. Go to a cheaper school, maybe a two year school. Maybe take a year or two to save up while you work full time. Work and go to school at the same time. Do you need a master's degree? Not if you want to stay home with your kids. (You can always get one when your kids are older if you still want one). Do you even need a bachelor's degree? Not really. Of course, college is so fun, I would hate for you to miss it. But as far as learning goes, I found that I learned a lot more after college when I started voraciously reading books and directing my own education towards what I was interested in. This kind of education may not lead to a job, unless you're creative. But it can lead to self employment, which has more earning potential. I only skimmed this article, but it has something interesting things to think about when it comes to self employment.

2. Save up and pay cash for a reliable, oldish, used car. Often, the only thing keeping women at work is a car payment. I do not think that you would choose driving a new car over staying home with your children.

3. Before you buy a home, find one that will fit your future lifestyle with children, and will fit into a husband-only earning budget. If you have to sell your house, you will be paying a 6% fee to the realtors. On a $150,000 house, that's $9,000! I would suggest that you a rent a small, inexpensive apartment before you have kids, and save up for a big down payment on a house that fits your budget. Many women feel that they have to work because of their house payment. It is just another choice to make. Live in a big house with granite counter-tops, or stay home with your kids. I always hear people say that renting is throwing money down the drain, but in situations like this, it makes sense.

4. Make a plan for your money. Don't let it go anywhere without you putting it down on paper ahead of time. When you make the decision to stay home with your future kids, arrange your budget so you live on your husbands, and your income goes first to pay off all of your debts (except your house) and when that is done, to building up your savings account.

5. Choose your husband wisely. Pick a man who will support your effort to stay home. Pick a man who is responsible and has a good job; a man who is moving up in the world. I'm not saying he needs to be a CEO, just that he needs to be a hard worker. As wives, we play a role in encouraging our husbands to reach their full potential. If we build our husbands up instead of tearing them down, they will feel more confident, and likely make more money. 

I chose wisely.

I encourage you to talk to your daughters, sisters, cousins, and young friends about their futures and how to plan for them.

Do you have any other ideas about how to stay home with your kids?

Writing this post gave me so many ideas about other topics I should cover soon. Look out for these:

1. When to rent and when to buy.

2. Why you and your spouse should have a joint checking account.

3. How to make a plan for your money.

4. Don't take out expensive student loans for a job that won't pay well.

5. Why you should make a list of what you are looking for in a spouse.
6. How to cut costs on your wedding.